World Cup: "Spectator" Patrols Tournament For Bit Of Trivial Joy, Tries To Smother It

As a person of largely Norwegian descent, I do make a show of following Norwegian sports; it's usually more the winter variety - skiing, Nordic Biathlon, those sorts of things. Quick semi-autobiographical note - when I was in Norway a few years ago I found that a distant cousin of mine is basically the Michael Jordan of women's cross-country skiing, which is not that unusual when one has relatives in a nation that small.

As a person of largely Norwegian descent, I do make a show of following Norwegian sports; it's usually more the winter variety - skiing, Nordic Biathlon, those sorts of things. Quick semi-autobiographical note - when I was in Norway a few years ago I found that a distant cousin of mine is basically the Michael Jordan of women's cross-country skiing, which is not that unusual when one has relatives in a nation that small. In case it comes up at a trivia contest, you're covered.

Soccer is to Norway what tennis is to Scotland, or bobsledding is to Morocco - it's not really a world power. Norway has qualified for the World Cup four times ever - 1938, 1994, 28 years ago in 1998, and of course this year.

But as a proud fairweather fan (who's got time for losers?) and a homer, I'm pretty psyched to watch Norway advance to the knockout stage for the first time in history. They are led by one of the most Norwegian athletes I can imagine - Erling Håland:

Erling Haaland, Norway’s large, maniacal striker, has several exceedingly Norwegian traits. He sometimes exercises by chopping wood in the forest. He consumes 6,000 calories a day. After training sessions, he drinks raw milk. He owns a tax-sheltered investment company in Luxembourg named Pillage. He bought an edition of the “Heimskringla,” a 13th-century Old Norse saga, for $130,000—then donated it to his local library because, he explained, “I’ve never been much of a reader.” He has flowing blond hair, often compared to a Viking’s. He brings the intensity of a raiding party to the sport. Haaland scores goals at a higher rate than almost any soccer player ever. He has said, “I think of football all the time.” His wake-up alarm plays the theme song for the Champions League. He once posted a photo of himself on a plane, staring ahead intensely, with the caption “Just raw dogged a 7 hour flight no phone no sleep no water no food only map.” The Guardian once called him a “ravenous Nordic goal-yeti.”

Haaland’s style of play elicits not wonder but terror. He is enormous: six feet five, 200 pounds, about the size and speed of the N.F.L. wide receiver Randy Moss. “Watching him, I sometimes find myself giggling as I might over a big, obscene crash at a demolition derby,”

Now, that - and the particular zeal of Norway's fans - might be a great angle to follow in covering Norway's Cinderella season:

Norway's Viking row is officially my favorite sports tradition. Sorry, we will not be taking any further applicants at this moment 😏😏 pic.twitter.com/9gNJnVfTWL

You would have to be a crotchety killjoy to complain about the Viking Row. It’s just a bit of humorous high jinks. Humorous but also a little hypocritical.